A Lesson Learned in Giving

I know I walk through life with my brain bouncing like a bucket full of Jack in the Bean Stalk magic beans.  Learning to control my thought process has been a magic bean topic that's been jumping the quickest in my bucket full of thoughts.  Each magic bean has developed an ever pertinent meaning and is increasingly becoming heavier and important.  Hence............ my head is heavy. 
Lets pick on two magic beans.  The blue magic bean of selflessness and the green magic bean of selfishness.  The ying and yang in my brain.  I've taken a lesson from the book of Technical and tried to implement a selfless nature intentionally on Thursday for it to blow up in my face.  Can't tell if the blatant failure was due to my virginal status in a selfless attempt or if the universe shook in my wake and set me straight back to reality.  Reality then clamored to grasp the indulgent selfish need of normalcy.  What does that mean?  Selfish equals Normal.
So what did I learn? I learned that the magic beans in my head are getting heavier and the only way to silence their ping pong slaps to my frontal lobe is to sometimes slip back into a normal state of selfishness or hiding.  The internal state of living Numb (thank you Amie, I will never forget that we developed our own personal state of "living").  See.... when the magic beans slow down you can almost obtain that personal numb state.  You begin to forget how heavy the other thoughts are and you are just selfish enough to concentrate on just one thought.
Now, to watch a Technical lesson in giving and to learn all that is needed to remain fulfilled and happy.  If I could only add another one of those jumping magic beans into my full bucket because I need to really learn  a fulfilling lesson in giving. Actually what I really need is a special orange magic bean that will allow me to dream.  Dream big, give big and live big without restraint.  And Courage!!!!

Halloturkmas Returns and I'm Changing the Rules

Halloturkmas Returns!  Lets combine the crazy season of Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas into one big holiday.  Hell the stores do it, why can't we?  Might as well poor candy corn into our gravy while we wash it down with come spiked eggnog and toast to the things we care about. 

Where in the hell did this year go?  The last thing I remember I was passed out in the back of Amie's car on the way back from Las Vegas and then a flash of a media class went by and here I am.  I'm sitting here looking around and shell shocked at the amount of life that still needs living.  Hence, enter a Halloween party which is within grasp.  Thank the heavens for cheap costumes, cleavage and a slight mid-life crisis in the making.  And let me praise a friend for indulging my need for a little girl time!!!  I need my Amie and Jackie fix, I need to find that 16 year old girl riding in the back of a maroon Honda Civic listening to some serious Blue Monday DM.  Crack-a-Lackin' Stupid Fun is what the Dr. ordered. 

So, enter a black angel, a referee and a gangster Robinhood this coming Halloween night.  Sounds like an acid trip in the suburbs.  Does this mean the black angel and Robinhood are going to go head-to-head?  Good vs. Bad while a statuesque referee mitigates the slew of wild ways on the pending night?  I'll bribe you Jackie, good always wins.  It is Halloween for goodness sakes, let me dress up as a good person at least once in my life.

Are you lost yet?  Good, that was my intent.  If you can't follow then you need additional education in the workings of a not so normal and creative wild child.  It's truly the only therapy I have left.  Humor me and let me ENJOY!

Halloween! Thanksgiving and then Christmas!! Damn Halloturkmas!!

Game of Thrones

It is not often that I find myself interested and intently focused.  George R.R. Martin's book series A Song of Ice and Fire has captured my heart in whole.  I just finished the first book in the series, Game of Thrones, I find myself interested in the author and his detail to human character.  You know that old question if you could have any five people, dead or alive, over for dinner who would they be?  My list would now include George R.R. Martin and I would want to know how he develops his storyline, characters, food descriptions, complex yarn like twists and turns and how he knows human nature so well.

One book in and I will attempt to guess what is in store.  I believe Jon Snow is half Targaryen and the complete series will end with Jon and Danenerys Targaryen ruling together.  Hence....A Song of Ice and Fire.....Jon is Ice and Danenerys is Fire.  Though Tyrion Lannister and Arya Stark are some of my  favorite characters I find the building strength in Jon and Danenerys would be wasted if they were killed.  Several more books to read and I am excited and look forward to a world different then mine. 

Thank you George R.R. Martin for your wit and sharing it with the world.

My Alien Nation

Don't you just love it when you have a moment of clarity and you look around and realize you are living in a freaky alien nation?  ME TOO!  Come on now, a 100 lb tortoise was in my yard last night, just sitting there eating my orange gerber daisies and earlier I was at work today and walked into the conference room with my co-workers and found a list of future items to be completed with only my name written next to every listed item (no one else's name, just MINE).  My 12 co-workers stood paralyzed and then in an alien mob mentality veered my way as if I had intentionally used my ESP senses to corrupt the man we report to and manipulate his hand to write on the whiteboard.  Little did they know my stomach turned upside down seeing the long list as I FREAKED out.  If my alien mob co-workers really think I have this ESP thing down maybe I should try creating additional time in a day.  That would really freak people out but it would be O so FUN!
Back to the tortoise, the thing was HUGE and it looked at me with it's little eye and the only thing I could imagine was that he was on the run from this dreary city.  He was on the lamb, gearing up for the long haul and I was the only thing stopping him.  Little did he know I was contemplating ridding on his back and looking forward to the extremely light breeze he would produce.
Snap back to reality Jill, you have a 100 lb ancient entity sitting in front of you and it needs to go back to where it came from.  Luckily the audience of neighbors went on a hunt for the mysterious owners and reconvened with a suped up black truck that required two men to lift the tortoise into the back of the bed.  I swear that ancient monster winked at me as he was lifted high and dry and used his ESP senses to tell me to meet him out front next week on Tuesday so we can feel the slight breeze in our face and slowly move forward and out of the city while I sit on his back with my good book while begging the sun Gods for a coffee shade of tan.

I love Alien Nation Days, makes me realize I'm taking life a little too seriously.

My Inner Maester and a Drive-in Surprise

Who knew that change can come on a whim if you let it take shape. I'd like to think I was high jacked across state lines last month for my own benefit, to rid my buttoned up personality and shed the jaded cynicism I like to harbor. Thank you Amie and Jackie for making me strip back down to the old me. It's been a little refreshing even though I on occasion want to bundle back up and blow the bubble shield back up around me while stuffing my face full of food and having multiple anxiety attacks while watching Diners, Drive-ins and Dives (thank goodness the last attack was in Vegas).


Liberation across state lines is what I say! You just need friends, a couple of shots and a night out a the House of Blues (80's rock rules) so you know just how old you really are.



I have done more, laughed more, been more content and full of smiles just because I said "screw it" since we took a drive into that dusty and dirty sin city. I've shed 12 lbs (20 more to go) and I have left the house 4 weekends in a row (and I did FUN stuff) and saw people I love and care about. Sure there has been a Surprise and I have a little soul searching to do but I want more, more, more. For those of you that know me, can you believe that I spontaneously booked a little vacation (can't wait to go), went to an Angels game, the Drive-in, walk-in movies, water park, read 3 books (that were not assigned) and went on a strict diet all in 4 weeks? Who am I? I like the new rebel without a clause....... oops, I mean cause. Come on now, the green jaded wings I wear seem to slowly be turning a simple shade of "me saying yes to magenta and yellow steamed veggies". WTH? I'm like Frankenstein re-born without the bolts. Rebuilt from the inside out!


Funny how life works out, people or events happen in our lives and we never really know the true reasons for their existence. What propels us forward, if it good or bad can only makes us stronger. Having the cahones to be the true you is what it's really about. I locked up the true me a long time ago because judgement was always passed in my direction and I drank it up like a gambling granny with a fist full of quarters. So here I am screaming from the top of my lungs..........................I like playing loud music with an air guitar, if you don't like that my shirts too tight then DON'T LOOK, I like SMART people that are unpredictable (they are more interesting), having a code language with your best friends is COOL, Yes I will judge you by what shoes you are wearing (I'm flawed too), I get jealous, I don't like cartoons (even when I was a kid), I crave being silly and making others laugh and yes I hate the city I live in and weep knowing I am stuck here. So, in my rebellion (early mid-life crisis) I say, if you don't like it or me because of who I am it is your problem and not mine! Words I have been waiting to say for 30 years. If you judge me it will now fall on deaf ears, I've turned down my hearing-aid. Learn to live because I am. BTW...... I'm reading the first book in the series A Song of Ice and Fire, A Game of Thrones. If anyone is out there and actually took 3 minutes to read my ridiculous self absorbed rant and you've read this book and are obsessed with it as me, please talk to me about it!!!! Reading this book has made be embrace my inner nerd and it is AWESOME.


Peace out fellow maesters (are an order of scholars, healers and scientists who are trained at a school called the Citadel) Google it!

The Letter D - Because I'm MAD!

My teacher gave me a D on a paper today. A flipping D! I've mastered straight A's for 5 classes now and I just got my first anything below an A. Her excuse was that I did not follow direction. So I went back and read her instructions and I would like to say they were VAGUE! You cannot reinterpret your direction after papers are posted. I want to put up one stinking fight here but I truly believe that if I fight back, every time she grades anything of mine she will have a predisposition of who I am and all grades will be skewed.

You should have read her remarks.............she was NASTY. You would think teachers would provide constructive criticism. I toiled with quiting school today and I have to tell you I'm inches away from throwing the books down the drain. I have yet figured out why I'm putting myself and family through so much turmoil.

Now I'm so pissed off that I am going to stick with this course. If I fail it, I will fail it going down in a blaze of glory.

I'm just not the book learin' type. Go figure, I watch people around me with Masters and I think to myself, "you're dumb, how did you get that degree?" What does that say about me if I can't do nearly what they have?

Nothing like school, Leadership Academy, work, home and self pressure to make you feel like your not worth much. If everyone expects 100%, I'm going to have to rob school to pay work the percentage it requires. I just don't have enough percentage to go around so something has to suffer and right now it is my happiness. The earthquake and tsunami in Japan made me wonder, how many of those people that lost their lives were actually happy on their last day? It's time to start living life to it's fullest. Can someone tell me what that is exactly?

2011 Integrity in the Sun

I want 2011 to be good, a new start of sorts, a new beginning in a pleasant attitude. Let it be just that. I want to honor those that I love, I want to be a better person and I want to grow leaps and bounds above my own indiscretions of the past.

It was good to sit today and watch my friend of many years son play soccer. The day was beautiful and I learned how complicated families can be. I think that I often take the act of family socialization for granted. I come from a very small family and my extended family is almost non-existent. I watched my friend today play a ever so delicate shell and ball game when it came to the people around her today. I was proud of her integrity and that she made choices that benefited herself and others. Pure selflessness at its finest. Lesson noted on my end. I need to be more considerate of those around me, no matter my social awkwardness.

Yes, today I am thankful for the pressing sunburn that seems to be getting worse by the moment because it reminds me that sitting in the sun among a good friend is worth it all.