The Day I Decided to Fail

It has been awhile since I've blogged. School has been taking up the majority of my time this semester. I thought I could handle two classes but it seems that I have failed. Moments ago I just withdrew from one of my classes which sets back my goal of acquiring a degree. I've had to do some serious soul searching lately trying to decide it going forward with school is even worth the time. Most people tell me "don't give up" or "keep going" when all I want to say in return is "why". Do I go forth so I can promote at my job? It will take another 8 years to get to that place and within those 8 years and the time I dedicate to school, I spend less time with my daughter, weaken my home environment and struggle with my own competence. The only reason I have not quit completely is because there is about 2% of me that thinks I can do it. It will not take much to obliterate that 2%. I hear of superwomen at work that go to school full time, have 3 kids and work till their bones are numb. I hate to admit that I compare myself to them and ask myself daily, how come I can't do it. Disappointment in myself is the highest it has ever been and I can't help but feel that I have failed again. I'm angry with myself. How come I am failing and they are not? I've let myself down again.................

Turn of Events

Life has taken me down a new path that I like to call No Free Time Lane. Both work and school are keeping me busy and my mental state is filled to the brim. This week in particular has pursued time with strange energy. Every time I turn around some odd ball event or action is toying with my surroundings. I have benefited by being on the outside of this energy ball watching in but it has been an odd path to be on, surrounded by an energy ball of restlessness. I'm actually trying to walk several steps ahead of it and I am afraid by the end of the week this ball of unrest will roll right over me and consume me. Thank the coffee angels for providing the needed caffeine to keep me a few feet in front of the rolling mass.

For those wondering, which I am sure there are few, school is kicking my butt. I can not memorize my own address so taking on a psychology course with key terms like myelin sheath and amygdala I am bound to fail. I think I need some ginkgo or I need to hang up my hat. I can barely remember what I wore yesterday.

WARNING

WARNING - Do not read if you are expecting humor because I will be embarking on the Working Mom's Wild Ride.

I could discuss this topic over and over and beat it with a used up, working mom, greasy frying pan that has not been washed but sitting in the sink for 3 days. Yes, I am ashamed to admit that I've had dishes sitting needing my attention. You ask why? Last week I laid in bliss with ample amounts of time to cook, making sure laundry smelled like spring and washing floors when needed (yes, I was Cinderella on VACA). This week I have time to drag my half closed eyes, purse, lunch bag and school bag to work and wobble on weak ankles in platform heels. Our culture has almost deemed in order to survive a middle class living you will send 2 adults from the home to work full time. Is this true or am I just stuck in the idea that both parents MUST work? I know many families that have one income coming in and I CANNOT figure out how they manage their survival (and I will be the last to officially ask). Our family does not live a lavish lifestyle, we don't go on vacations nor buy expensive cars. Our only expense in our daughters education which we elect to provide due to the failing public schools that surround us. I feel like our social structures are bound to POP because at this rate we can not sustain the requirements to achieve the good ol American dream. What is happening? Greed? Disillusionment? The sense of belittlement that has forced us to take 1/2 breathes because we no longer know how to breathe a full content breathe? I could go on and on but I must return to writing about prominent persons in the history of Psychology. I've elected to pick Dr. Seymour B. Sarason, Dr. Nathan Kline and Mary W. Calkins because Mary and I share one special date in common. Trivia for today.............what date do we share and why? If you know me this should be easy.

Flu

I had intended to start blogging about my daily diet turmoils in hopes I would stay on track but the unexpected invader of my body, the FLU, derailed my diet train of pain. I have a new best friend and I've spent to much time getting intimate with this porcelain beauty. I like to call her Bold Beautiful Bertha the Bowl. She has been a good friend the past 3 days but I'm ready to make her into an occasional pen pal and keep my friends that don't require deposits on my A list. My BFF BBB the B and I would hang out with a cocktail of water and baking soda while I placed my shivering head on her shoulder. Fortunately I seem to be on the mend.

Diet

I can thank Mr. Flu for kick starting my diet. Not eating for a few days while barely keeping a drip of water in my body made me feel 1.56 lbs lighter. Dang, I'm on a diet roll. Watch out. I'm still leery of slipping anything past these pale lips of mine in fear that my new porcelain BFF and I will have to reunite so I attempted to eat light today. Eating light would consist of mint tea, 5 bites of leftovers, 4 saltine crackers and 5 bites of chocolate gelato. At least I can say my portion sizes have dropped to an all time low but the nutritional content still blows. Guess I'll have to work on that nutritional part starting tomorrow.

Vacation: Day 9

Getting the flu on the final day of my vacation was not how I anticipated ending the week. But, the FLU found me and that my friends is the end of my vacation. Stay tuned, I will begin blogging about my attempt to loose weight and I am sure you will here rants regarding school.

To be continued

Vacation: Day 8

The realization that vacation is almost over slapped me across the face and weighted down my ankles. We did very little over this tiny one week slumber so today we decided to get into the car and find a destination. We ended up at The Huntington Library. This is a photographers dream location and I wish I had some extra time to sit and take several photos because I was enjoying myself so much. If you live in So Cal or will be visiting and you like Art and Gardens, the the Huntington Library is a must. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. And for those of you wondering, YES, I did take the picture of the water lily.

Vacation: Day 7

I experienced complete PEACE for the first time in a VERY long time today. The sad part is it only lasted about 10 minutes. On this final vacation Friday Stephanie and I went to my mom's pool (see above) and were fortunate enough to have the whole pool to ourselves.

Tadpole Among Us
One major milestone this summer: STEPHANIE LEARNED TO SWIM (kind of). We have been working for years to get her lanky arms moving in that turquoise water and this summer she finally submitted. There is work to be done but I think we will be in a good place by the end of the summer. A pair of goggles and fingers pinching her noes and she is a archaeologist of H2O.

Peace of Wind
After getting to swim at leisure with my new little archaeologist tadpole I sat on the edge of the pool with my face pointed west and the sun and wind gracing my face. Life literally slowed down for a brief moment in time and I felt at one with everything around me. I haven't felt that symbiotic with my surroundings in such a long time that in my mind I was begging for the spiritual moment not to end. But all good things must come to an end and my peaceful state was soon interrupted (the how does not matter). I am extremely thankful that I once again experienced quiet, peace and of all things - THE SUN. For those of you that know me, you do know that I am super pale. The sun felt good with the wind slightly blowing. I just may have to do that a little more often.

My hat is off to the wind and sun, they persuaded me to shimmy into a bathing suite after 5 years and find 10 minutes of peace. Perhaps I will be able to find this moment again in another 5 years. See you then Mr. Sun and Mrs. Wind!